Parenting an ADHD Child When You Have ADHD Too
The Reality Nobody Talks About…
Can I be brutally honest with you? Some mornings I can’t find my keys, my kid can’t find their shoes, we’re both melting down about breakfast and I’m supposed to be the grown-up modelling executive function skills. It’s like the blind leading the blind, except we’re both also trying to remember if today is Food Tech day.
If you’re a parent with ADHD raising a child with ADHD, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The double overwhelm. The crushing guilt. The feeling that you’re somehow failing your child because you can’t be the organised, calm, consistent parent you think they need.
Here’s the truth: Most ADHD parenting content is written for neurotypical parents trying to help their ADHD kids. But what about those of us where both brains are chaos? What about when you’re trying to teach executive function skills you’re still struggling to master yourself?
This blog post (and video) is for you. Because parenting an ADHD child when you have ADHD isn’t just “regular parenting but harder” - it’s a completely different experience that requires different strategies, different expectations and a whole lot more self-compassion.
The Double Overwhelm: Why Parenting with ADHD Is Different
When you have ADHD and you’re parenting an ADHD child, you’re not just managing one person’s executive dysfunction, you’re managing two (or more). And unlike neurotypical parents who can serve as the “external brain” their ADHD child needs, you’re trying to be someone else’s external brain when yours isn’t reliably working either.
What This Actually Looks Like in Daily Life
Let me paint you a picture from my own life (and maybe yours too):
- Morning medication chaos: You forget to give them their ADHD medication… because ADHD medication isn’t ADHD friendly!
- The homework hunt: You can’t help them find their homework because you’ve lost the permission slip you were supposed to sign three days ago.
- Explaining time management: You start teaching them about planning ahead and halfway through realise you’ve gone off on three tangents.
- The time warp: You both completely lose track of time and suddenly it’s 45 minutes past bedtime and nobody’s brushed their teeth.
- The sound sensitivity stand-off: You’re overstimulated by noise while they’re humming, clicking and making random sounds to help themselves focus.
- The clutter conflict: You need the house reasonably clean to think clearly but they create chaos wherever they go and genuinely don’t see it.
And perhaps the hardest part? The guilt. The crushing, relentless guilt of feeling like you’re failing them because you can’t be the parent they “should” have.
But here’s what I’ve learned through my work with ADHD families (and my own lived experience): Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need an authentic, compassionate, present parent who understands their struggles from the inside out.
Why Traditional Self-Care Advice Fails ADHD Parents
You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. Great advice in theory. Except when you have ADHD, you can’t remember where you put the cup, you’re not sure if it’s even yours and the idea of sitting still long enough to “fill” it feels impossible.
The Self-Care Advice That Doesn’t Work for ADHD Brains
Let’s be real about the standard self-care recommendations and why they fall flat for neurodivergent parents:
“Take a relaxing bath” - You’ll get bored in 3 minutes and your brain will spiral into anxiety about everything you should be doing instead or you’ll have just created a completely new business or hobby idea that you need to start now!
“Wake up early for quiet ‘me time’” - You literally cannot wake up early consistently, no matter how much you want to or how many alarms you set.
“Meal prep on Sundays” - The executive function required to plan, shop for and prepare an entire week’s worth of meals in one day is beyond your capacity.
“Keep a gratitude journal” - You have 47 journals with three entries each gathering dust on various surfaces around your house.
“Practice mindfulness meditation” - Sitting still with your thoughts for 20 minutes sounds like torture, not restoration.
What ADHD-Friendly Self-Care Actually Looks Like
Self-care for ADHD parents needs to work with your brain, not against it. Here’s what that could mean in practice:
Quick hits of regulation
- 5-minute dance parties in the kitchen (bonus: your kid can join!)
- Aggressive fidgeting with fidget toys, stress balls or putty (or my go to, pushing the hoover!)
- Switching tasks when you hit a wall instead of forcing yourself to push through
- Movement breaks: jumping jacks, quick walks, stretching
Accommodating your own ADHD first
- Using the same (albeit age appropriate) external scaffolding you’re building for your child (timers, visual schedules, body doubling)
- Lowering your standards for household management (more on this later)
- Asking for help BEFORE you hit crisis mode, not after
- Medication management if that’s right for you, you can’t teach emotional regulation when your own nervous system is dysregulated
The permission you need: Sometimes taking care of yourself looks like lowering your standards. And that’s not just okay, it’s the smart, strategic choice for your family. The most important thing is that you are looking after yourself and you’re doing it in the way that you need not trying to fit into someone else’s idea of self-care.
Practical Strategies: Using Your Shared ADHD as a Strength
Here’s the good news: Having ADHD while parenting an ADHD child means you actually get it because you’ve experienced it. You understand the internal experience. You know what it feels like when your brain won’t cooperate. You can use your shared neurodivergence as a strength.
Strategy #1: Body Doubling (But Make It Parenting)
Body doubling, working in parallel with someone else, is one of the most powerful ADHD strategies. Instead of trying to get your child to do homework alone while you “supervise” from another room (which neither of you can actually sustain), work alongside them.
How to implement body doubling
- They do homework at the kitchen table → You sort mail or pay bills right next to them
- They clean their room → You fold laundry in the hallway where they can see you
- They practice their instrument → You meal prep (or at least think about meal prepping) in the adjacent room
Why this works: The parallel presence helps both of you stay on task. Plus, it normalises struggle, they see you wrestling with your own tasks and pushing through, which teaches resilience more effectively than any lecture about “just trying harder”.
Strategy #2: Parallel Routines
Instead of you orchestrating your child’s routine (which requires executive function you may not have), create routines you do together.
Shared timer system
- “We both have 10 minutes to do a quick tidy (they do their bedroom whilst you do the lounge)!”
- Competition + urgency = ADHD motivation gold - who can finish first!
- Set phone timers, visual timers or Alexa timers
The “doom box” for both of you
- Random items that don’t have a home go in the box
- Sort it together once a week (or month… or whenever)
- No judgement about what ends up in there
Parallel bedtime routines
- You both get ready for bed at the same time
- They brush teeth → you remove makeup
- They pick out tomorrow’s clothes → you check your calendar for tomorrow
Strategy #3: Give Yourself Permission to Lower the Bar
This is perhaps the most important strategy and the one that requires the most self-compassion. You need to give yourself explicit permission to do less than you think you “should” or simply to do things differently. If you or your child wants spaghetti bolognaise for breakfast, why not - who decides what is or is not a breakfast food? If the towels and bedsheets are in the cupboard, who says they have to be folded (don’t even get me started on ironing them)? And, shop-bought cookies are more than enough for the school bake sale!
Your child doesn’t need perfect. They need present. And you can’t be present if you’re drowning in executive function demands that exceed both of your capacities.
When Your ADHD Triggers Clash With Their ADHD Triggers
Here’s the complication nobody warns you about: your ADHD triggers and your child’s ADHD triggers might be completely incompatible. You might have opposite sensory needs, different regulation strategies or conflicting executive function struggles. This doesn’t make you a bad parent or the wrong parent for your child, I’m saying this loudly in case like me you’ve been told this - it’s important we don’t believe this rubbish as it’s what stops us talking about the challenges and asking for help.
How to Navigate These Clashes
- Name it externally and without blame: “My ADHD brain and your ADHD brain are having a hard time working together right now. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Let’s both take a break and figure out a solution.”
- Problem-solve collaboratively: “I notice I get really frustrated when I can’t hear myself think. I notice you need to make sounds to focus. What could we try that works for both of us?” Consider: Headphones? Different rooms? Designated “loud time” vs. “quiet time”? Fidgets that are quieter?
- Repair after the clash: “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. My brain was overwhelmed and I didn’t handle it well. That’s on me, not you. I’m working on managing my reactions better.”
- Get support when the moments get really hard: Sometimes you need someone else to tag in, a co-parent, a babysitter, a family member or a tutor. This isn’t failure; it’s acknowledging that you’re both human with real limitations. If you’ve got someone who can help, use the calm moments to work out how you can work best as a team. If you haven’t got this person, I hear you, it’s even harder.
Self-Compassion: Rewriting the “Bad Parent” Narrative
Let’s talk about the narrative running on repeat in your head. The one that says:
- “If I just tried harder, I could keep up with the other parents…”
- “Other parents don’t struggle this much with basic tasks…”
- “My child deserves better than a parent who can’t remember permission slips…”
- “I should be able to do this without it being so hard…”
I need you to hear this: That narrative is based on a neurotypical standard that was never designed for you.
You Are NOT a Bad Parent Because
- You forgot to sign the permission slip (again)
- You served cereal for dinner because cooking felt impossible today
- You lost your temper when your child couldn’t find their shoes for the 47th time this week
- You can’t keep up with the Pinterest-perfect parents in the class Facebook group
- You occasionally hide in the bathroom scrolling your phone because you need 5 minutes where nobody needs your executive function
- You don’t remember what your child told you this morning because your working memory is limited
- Your house is cluttered and you can’t seem to stay on top of the laundry
You ARE a Good Parent Because
- You’re showing up every day, even when your brain makes everything harder
- You’re teaching your child that ADHD doesn’t make you broken - it makes you different
- You’re modelling self-compassion, self-awareness and asking for help when you need it
- You understand what they’re going through in a way many simply cannot
- You’re doing the hard work of managing your own ADHD while helping them learn to manage theirs
- You apologise when you mess up and model repair, which teaches emotional intelligence
- You’re seeking out information and support (like reading this blog post right now)
The truth: Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be authentic, compassionate, and present. Even if “present” sometimes means saying “Mummy’s brain is full right now, I need 10 minutes”. I know I’ve said it lots of times in this blog but I cannot say it enough.
When to Seek Professional Support
There’s a pervasive narrative in parenting culture that asking for help means you’re failing. Let me be absolutely clear: that’s nonsense. And it’s especially harmful nonsense when you have ADHD.
Signs You Might Benefit from Additional Support
You might need professional support if:
- You’re regularly losing your temper in ways that scare you or cause harm
- You can’t remember the last time you felt genuinely calm or regulated
- Basic tasks like feeding your family, keeping utilities on and getting your child to school on time can feel impossible most days
- You’re relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms (substances, avoidance, etc.) that worry you
- You have no one to tag in when you’re at your limit
- Your relationship with your partner is suffering under the stress
- Your child’s ADHD symptoms are escalating and you don’t know how to help
- You feel completely isolated in your experience
What Support Can Look Like
Support comes in various forms and here are some worth considering:
Therapy
- ADHD-informed therapy for yourself to process the overwhelm and develop coping strategies
- Family therapy to improve communication and reduce conflict
- Parent-child therapy to strengthen your relationship and build new patterns
ADHD Coaching
- Individual ADHD coaching to develop systems that work with your brain
- Parent coaching specifically for ADHD parents
- Accountability and support to implement new strategies consistently
Medication
- Evaluation or adjustment of your own ADHD medication
- Understanding your child’s medication and how to track effectiveness
- Coordinating care between multiple providers
Practical Support
- Hiring help: babysitters, house cleaners, meal services
- Practical home strategy and home organisation help to get you back on track
- Tutoring or homework help for your child to take that burden off you (only in certain situations, like your child needs body doubling and you can’t give it - tutoring should not take away from the rest and recovery they need from school)
Community
- ADHD parent support groups (online or in-person)
- Parent education programs about ADHD
- Connecting with other neurodivergent parents who “get it”
Getting support isn’t admitting defeat. It’s recognising that parenting an ADHD child when you have ADHD is genuinely harder than other parenting scenarios and you deserve accommodations too.
Moving Forward: What Your Family Actually Needs
As I wrap up this blog post, I want to leave you with this: You’re doing better than you think you are.
Your child is learning invaluable lessons by watching you navigate the world with ADHD:
- Everyone struggles, even adults
- You can forget things and still be a responsible person
- You can mess up, apologise genuinely and repair relationships
- ADHD is just part of who you are, not a character flaw or moral failing
- Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness
- “Good enough” is often better than “perfect but never done”
Is your life messy? Probably. Is it perfect? Definitely not. Is it authentic? Absolutely.
And that authenticity, that willingness to be human and imperfect in front of your child, is more valuable than any amount of colour-coded organisation charts, Pinterest-worthy chore systems or perfectly executed morning routines.
Your Next Steps
If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, here’s what I recommend:
Immediate actions
- Choose ONE strategy from this post to try this week. Just one. Not five. Not all of them. One.
- Lower the bar on something that’s draining you. What’s one standard you can release this week?
- Talk to your child about your shared ADHD if you haven’t already. Normalise it. “You know how you struggle with X? I struggle with that too. Let’s figure it out together.”
Short-term actions
- Assess your support network. Who can you call when you need to tag out? If the answer is “no one,” that’s a priority to address.
- Consider whether your current strategies are working. If you’re white-knuckling through every day, something needs to change.
- Evaluate whether professional support might help. There’s no shame in needing more support than you currently have.
Long-term actions
- Develop systems that work for YOUR family, not the family you think you “should” be
- Build self-compassion as an ongoing practice, not a one-time achievement
- Connect with other ADHD parents who understand this specific experience
Final Thoughts
You’re not failing. You’re parenting under conditions that are genuinely harder than what most parents experience. You’re managing two sets of executive dysfunction, navigating conflicting needs and doing it all while fighting against a world designed for neurotypical brains.
And you’re still here. Still trying. Still showing up for your child.
That’s not failure. That’s courage.