What We See: The Tip of the Iceberg
As parents, teachers, and caregivers, the behaviors we observe in children with ADHD are merely the “tip of the iceberg.” True progress and improvement in these visible behaviors occur only when we delve deeper to understand the underlying challenges our children face.
It’s crucial to acknowledge the difficult experiences of those supporting children with ADHD. Without adequate support, challenging behaviors can be overwhelming, especially when co-occurring conditions like Autism are present. Many navigate this journey with little or no assistance, often facing blame or judgement about their parenting. This blog aims to offer a sense of understanding and reduce feelings of isolation for those experiencing such difficulties.
Understanding and addressing these underlying issues are vital. There’s a strong correlation between unsupported ADHD and increased risks of adverse outcomes, including involvement with the justice system, unemployment, substance abuse, poverty, and suicide. While there’s no evidence that neurodivergent individuals are more prone to offending, unsupported ADHD significantly increases the likelihood of incarceration. The “school-to-prison pipeline” is a stark reality, with children with ADHD being at heightened risk of school exclusion, leaving with limited qualifications, and lacking self-belief, all of which elevate the risk of imprisonment.
However, there is a powerful positive message: the belief of just one adult can significantly mitigate these risks. If you are reading this, you are likely that adult. This blog and others like it are designed to equip you with the knowledge and tools to provide that essential support.
While society often judges children with ADHD based on visible behaviors like meltdowns, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, labeling them as “bad” or “lazy”, we will explore the deeper realities. ADHD cannot be cured; children will always have their ADHD traits. Yet, we can offer support, build structures to address their challenges, and foster confidence in their many strengths. We can also demonstrate support and understanding while maintaining boundaries and teaching right from wrong. Effective support and teaching that align with their unique brain function are only possible when we truly comprehend what’s happening beneath the surface.
What’s Beneath the Surface: The Hidden Reality
The ADHD Iceberg: Unveiling the Hidden Depths
Beyond what’s visible, a child with ADHD experiences a complex inner world that profoundly influences their actions. What might appear as defiance or inattentiveness often stems from these underlying challenges.
Internal Experiences That Shape Behavior:
- Poor Working Memory: They genuinely struggle to retain recently heard information, even when actively listening.
- Interest-Based Motivation: Initiating, planning, and completing tasks can be incredibly difficult, regardless of their desire to do well.
- Emotional Dysregulation: Emotions are felt intensely and take a longer time to subside.
- Rejection Sensitivity: Even minor corrections can be perceived as significant rejection or failure.
- Sensory Overload: Environmental stimuli like noise, light, or clothing tags can make sustained focus nearly impossible.
- Time Blindness: Concepts like “five minutes” or “when you’re an adult” lack meaning because their internal clock functions differently.
- Masking Fatigue: The effort of maintaining composure at school often leads to emotional meltdowns in the safety of their home.
- Shame and Anxiety: Persistent misunderstanding and criticism can result in deep emotional wounds.
Shifting Perspective:
Recognising these hidden struggles transforms how we approach and understand a child with ADHD. Instead of questioning “why won’t they just…?”, we begin to ask “what’s getting in their way?”.
All children do well when they can. Their difficult behaviors are not intentional; they can even be a form of self-protection, a way to “get in first” if they anticipate trouble or feel inadequate. Ultimately, they are simply trying to cope.
When parents and teachers look beyond the surface, children feel truly seen, understood, and safe. This understanding, rather than punishment, is the foundation for genuine progress.
Understanding Changes Everything
Understanding the challenges your child faces is key to parenting ADHD. It shifts the focus towards connection, creating a supportive home environment, and empowering them to advocate for themselves.
It’s crucial to remember that ADHD manifests differently in every child, just as no two children are identical. The diagnostic criteria for ADHD allow for over 15,000 combinations of traits, leading to a vast array of presentations. This diversity becomes even more complex when considering co-occurring conditions such as Autism, dyslexia, and dyspraxia. It’s now understood that having a single neurodivergent diagnosis is uncommon; if one diagnosis is present, it’s highly probable that criteria for at least one other will be met, and traits of others will be present even if they don’t meet full diagnostic criteria. While our focus here is on ADHD, in reality, it’s rarely just ADHD. If you find some information resonates while other parts don’t, this is to be expected and should not lead you to doubt your experiences or diagnosis.
This learning hub aims to help you understand the challenges faced by children with ADHD (and many parents with ADHD) and, most importantly, provide practical tools, scaffolding, and strategies to help.
Here are a few quick tips to begin supporting your child with ADHD:
- Movement: Encourage movement to aid focus and release energy. This includes not only outdoor activities but also incorporating movement into indoor tasks. Tools like yoga balls, wobble cushions, indoor trampolines, gym equipment, and fidget toys can be beneficial. Sitting on a yoga ball while doing homework or watching TV, or even walking during a conversation, can enhance focus.
- Visual Reminders: When working memory is a challenge, externalizing things that need to be remembered is crucial. This applies to everything from homework deadlines to daily routines like getting dressed. Use visual aids such as printed morning routines, school timetables, and equipment checklists to clearly display expectations.
- Clear Communication: For a peaceful home, clear communication is essential. Use precise language and offer one option or instruction at a time, especially for those who struggle with working memory and language processing. Too many words can lead to zoning out or forgetting what was said.
- Encourage Strengths: Children with ADHD often hear about their perceived “shortcomings.” A vital role for parents is to help them identify and value their strengths, offer praise, and boost their self-esteem.
While you cannot change the ADHD brain, you can create a home environment that works with it, rather than against it.
Final Thoughts
At Your ADHD Home, we help parents understand what’s beneath the behaviour and create practical, realistic ways to make home life calmer and happier. Find out more about how we can help you to understand what’s beneath the behaviour and exactly what to put in place to make your life easier.
Because when we look below the surface, we stop fighting our children… and start working with them.