When Sunday Dinner Becomes a Battlefield: Helping Grandparents Understand Your ADHD Child
It’s Sunday afternoon. You’re at your parents’ house for dinner. Your ADHD child is doing their best, they really are but it’s been a long day, they’re overstimulated and the chair-sitting is becoming impossible.
Your mother says, “He needs to learn to sit still like everyone else”.
Your father adds, “In my day, children didn’t behave like this”.
You feel it, that familiar knot in your stomach. You’re caught between defending your child and respecting your parents. You’re exhausted from advocating everywhere else and now you have to do it here too.
If this sounds familiar then you’re not alone.
This is one of the most common struggles I hear from parents of ADHD children. The generational understanding gap around ADHD creates tension in families every single day. Most of the time your parents aren’t trying to make your life harder. Their understanding is based on outdated information from an era where child development was spoken about often in terms of blame on the parents and research was poor or non-existent.
It’s hard to even know where to start when trying to explain your child’s struggles and needs to your parents. Which is why I wrote this blog, explaining what ADHD really is, why traditional discipline doesn’t work and what actually helps. Because sometimes the message lands better when it’s not coming from you during a tense moment.
Why This Conversation Is So Complicated
This isn’t just about “dealing with difficult relatives”. These are people you love who love your child. That emotional complexity makes everything harder.
You’re caught between protecting your child and maintaining family relationships. You want your parents to have a relationship with your child but not at the cost of your child feeling criticised, misunderstood or “wrong” at every visit.
When someone questions your parenting or your child’s legitimacy in struggling, it hurts, especially when you’re working so hard to understand your child, support them and advocate for them. And it hurts more when it’s your own parents, the people whose approval you’ve spent a lifetime seeking.
This is genuinely difficult and you’re navigating it with grace even when it doesn’t feel like it.
The Generational Gap Is Real (And Not Their Fault)
When Today’s Grandparents Were Raising Children
When your parents were raising you in the 1980s and 1990s, the world of child development looked completely different. ADHD was barely recognised, estimated to affect only about 3% of children and almost exclusively boys. It was called “hyperactivity” or “minimal brain dysfunction”, terms that feel almost medieval now.
The prevailing wisdom treated it as a behavioural problem, not a neurological condition. The standard advice from doctors, teachers and parenting experts was more discipline, stricter consequences and “don’t coddle them”. There was limited research on executive function and no widespread understanding that this was actually about how brains develop and work.
Parents were told that children who couldn’t sit still or pay attention simply needed firmer boundaries. It was considered a parenting issue, not a medical one.
What We Know Now
Fast forward to today and the landscape has completely transformed. ADHD is now understood to affect 8-10% of children, not because it’s suddenly more common but because we’re better at recognising it in girls, in children who don’t fit the hyperactive stereotype and in kids whose symptoms show up differently. We now know ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder with strong genetic components.
We now understand that ADHD fundamentally affects working memory, impulse control, emotional regulation, task initiation and sustained attention. These aren’t character flaws or choices. They’re neurological differences that affect how someone processes information and regulates their behaviour.
Perhaps most importantly research has shown that traditional punishment often makes ADHD symptoms worse by increasing stress, shame and disconnection, the opposite of what helps. Trauma-informed, connection-based approaches are consistently more effective for managing ADHD symptoms and supporting long-term development.
The Gap Between Then and Now
Your parents aren’t being stubborn when they struggle to understand ADHD. They’re being asked to unlearn everything they were taught about children and behaviour. They’re being told that the approaches that worked for them, or at least that they believed worked, are actually counterproductive - it’s hard to hear, effectively being told what you did was wrong when you were trying your best.
That’s genuinely difficult. It requires intellectual humility and emotional flexibility that research tells us gets harder as we age. It means accepting that they might have done things differently if they’d known what we know now. For some grandparents, that realisation comes with guilt or defensiveness.
Understanding this doesn’t mean accepting harmful behaviour toward your child. But it helps explain why the conversation is so hard and why patience, when you can muster it, sometimes creates better outcomes than confrontation.
What Grandparents See vs. What’s Actually Happening
This disconnect is at the heart of most intergenerational ADHD conflicts. Grandparents observe behaviour and interpret it through their understanding of how children work. But with ADHD, what you see and what’s actually happening are often completely different.
1. “Won’t Sit Still at Dinner”
What grandparents see: A child choosing to be disruptive, seeking attention or deliberately defying the family rules about mealtime behaviour.
What’s actually happening: Your child has a neurological need for movement to regulate their nervous system. ADHD brains often require proprioceptive input (information from body movement) to stay focused and calm. It’s counter-intuitive but movement actually helps them settle and engage, not the opposite.
Asking a child with ADHD to sit perfectly still is like asking someone to hold their breath while having a conversation. They might manage it for a minute or two but the effort required to suppress their body’s need for oxygen or movement means they can’t actually focus on anything else. All their cognitive resources are going toward sitting still, leaving nothing for conversation, connection or even enjoying the meal.
What actually helps: Movement breaks every 10-15 minutes, fidget tools or a wobble cushion at the table, shorter meal expectations (they can eat and then play while adults finish) or even allowing standing while eating. These aren’t rewards for bad behaviour, they’re accommodations for neurological differences in the same way you’d give glasses to a child who can’t see clearly.
2. “Ignores Instructions”
What grandparents see: Disrespect, deliberately not listening or choosing to ignore adults. It looks wilful, like the child heard perfectly well but decided not to comply.
What’s actually happening: Working memory failure and auditory processing delays. The instruction literally doesn’t “stick” in their brain long enough to act on it. A child with ADHD might hear “go upstairs and bring down your shoes” but by the time they’ve processed “go upstairs” they’ve forgotten “and bring down your shoes”. They end up upstairs with no idea why they’re there.
This isn’t about intelligence. Many ADHD children are intellectually gifted but working memory, the cognitive ability to hold and manipulate information, functions differently. Instructions that seem simple to neurotypical brains involve holding multiple pieces of information simultaneously, something ADHD brains struggle with.
What actually helps: One instruction at a time, with a pause between each. Using written reminders or visual cues. Checking for understanding by asking “can you tell me what I just asked you to do?” before they walk away. These approaches work with their brain instead of against it.
3. “Rude, Interrupts Constantly”
What grandparents see: Lack of manners, bad parenting and disrespect for others. It feels personal, like the child doesn’t value what the grandparent is saying enough to wait their turn.
What’s actually happening: Impulsivity. The neurological brake between “thought” and “speech” is delayed or absent in ADHD brains. When a thought appears it feels urgent so if they don’t say it RIGHT NOW it will disappear forever. And with ADHD it probably will disappear because their working memory won’t hold onto it.
They’re not choosing rudeness. They’re experiencing a neurological compulsion. And the heartbreaking part is that they usually feel terrible about it afterward. They know they interrupted. They know it was rude. But in the moment their brain simply can’t produce the pause that allows for social awareness to kick in.
What actually helps: Gentle reminders without shame understanding that they feel worse about it than you do. Teaching replacement behaviours like “hold up one finger to remind yourself you have something to say” and recognising that this improves gradually as the prefrontal cortex develops, which happens later for ADHD brains.
4. “Tantrums at Age 8, 10, 12”
What grandparents see: Manipulation, being spoiled or “acting like a baby”. It seems age-inappropriate, like the parents have failed to teach emotional maturity.
What’s actually happening: Emotional dysregulation stemming from delayed emotional development. Research consistently shows ADHD delays emotional development by approximately 30%. That means a 10-year-old with ADHD has the emotional regulation capacity of a 7-year-old. A 12-year-old functions emotionally like an 8-year-old.
Their feelings are huge and immediate. They lack the brain development to create space between feeling and reaction. When disappointment hits it’s not “I’m sad this didn’t work out”, it’s “THE WORLD IS ENDING AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY”. The intensity is real. The lack of perspective is neurological.
What actually helps: Calm support through the emotional storm, teaching regulation skills when they’re calm (not during the meltdown), not punishing emotional overwhelm and remembering this is developmental delay, not manipulation. They will grow into better emotional regulation but it takes longer and requires more support than neurotypical children.
5. “Just Needs Discipline/A Firmer Hand”
What grandparents see: Permissive parenting, making excuses and inconsistency. It looks like the parents are afraid to set boundaries or follow through with consequences.
What’s actually happening: The child HAS been disciplined, repeatedly, consistently and with every traditional approach in the book. But traditional consequences don’t work for neurological differences. Increased punishment typically escalates behaviour by adding stress, shame and disconnection, which actually worsens ADHD symptoms.
Parents of ADHD children aren’t being soft. They’re being strategic. They’ve learned, through trial, error, research and often professional guidance, that connection before correction, natural consequences, teaching skills rather than punishing deficits and addressing underlying needs (tired, hungry, overstimulated) actually changes behaviour.
Punishment might suppress behaviour temporarily but it doesn’t teach skills, doesn’t address the underlying neurological cause and often damages the parent-child relationship that’s essential for managing ADHD effectively.
What actually helps: Trusting that parents know what they’re doing even if their approaches look different from what you used. Recognising that different brains require different strategies. Understanding that “holding them accountable” means teaching skills and expecting effort, not expecting perfection or punishing disability.
6. “Parents Are Making Excuses”
What grandparents see: Justifying bad behaviour, not holding the child accountable and hiding behind a diagnosis to avoid doing the hard work of parenting.
What’s actually happening: Parents are explaining a disability so that others understand WHY traditional approaches don’t work and what accommodations are needed. This is advocacy, not excuse-making.
There’s a crucial distinction here: “He can’t sit through dinner because he has ADHD” is an explanation, helping others to understand the neurological reality. “So we’re teaching him to ask for movement breaks and we’re practising at home with timers” is accountability, showing the work being done to build skills.
ADHD parents aren’t avoiding accountability, they’re redefining what accountability looks like when you’re parenting a child whose brain works differently. Accountability means teaching skills, providing support and scaffolding and expecting effort - not expecting the impossible and punishing failure.
What actually helps: Listening to the full picture and not just the explanation. Asking “what are you working on with them?” instead of assuming no work is happening. Recognising that good parenting for an ADHD child looks different than good parenting for a neurotypical child and that’s okay.
What Parents Actually Need From Grandparents
If you’re a parent reading this then these are the things you probably wish you could say but struggle to articulate. If you’re a grandparent reading this then these are the things your adult child desperately needs from you.
1. Belief
Trust that we’re not exaggerating, overreacting or “looking for labels”. The ADHD diagnosis came after months or years of struggle, professional assessments, ruling out other causes and often significant financial and emotional investment. We didn’t want our child to have ADHD, we wanted answers for why things were so hard and we wanted help.
When you question the diagnosis then you question our competence as parents and you question our child’s reality. You’re suggesting we’re either too incompetent to notice normal child behaviour or too invested in making excuses. Neither is true, and both hurt.
2. Consistency With Our Approach
Even if you privately disagree with our parenting methods, please follow our lead when you’re with our child. Inconsistency between caregivers confuses all children but it’s particularly harmful for children with ADHD who already struggle with executive function and emotional regulation.
You don’t have to agree with everything we do. You don’t have to parent this way if you had another child with ADHD. But when you’re caring for our child, in our home or yours, we need you to honour our approaches. This isn’t about control, it’s about giving our child the consistency they need to thrive.
3. Willingness to Learn (Even a Little)
You don’t need to become an ADHD expert. You don’t need to read books or attend workshops. But reading one article, watching one video or asking “what helps when he gets overwhelmed?” shows us that you’re trying. That effort means everything.
It tells us you value your relationship with our child enough to step outside your comfort zone. It tells our child that you care about understanding them and not just correcting them. It makes the hard conversations easier because we know you’re approaching this with curiosity instead of judgement.
4. See Their Strengths
ADHD children hear criticism and correction 20,000 more times than their neurotypical peers by age 10. Twenty thousand! They know what they can’t do. They know what’s hard for them. They know they’re “different”.
Please be the person who notices what they CAN do - their creativity, their humour, their passion when they talk about their interests, their empathy and their unique way of seeing the world. These aren’t consolation prizes, they’re real strengths that often accompany ADHD.
Your grandchild needs someone in their life who sees them as “amazing” not “amazing despite the ADHD”. Just amazing. You could be that person.
5. Occasional Respite
Taking our child for a few hours so we can breathe isn’t spoiling us, it’s supporting the whole family. ADHD parenting is relentless. It requires more supervision, more emotional regulation support, more advocacy, more management of schedules and medications and therapy appointments.
We need breaks to be our best selves. If you can offer them, without criticism, without “helpful” advice about what we should do differently, without making us feel guilty for needing help, that’s one of the most valuable gifts you can give.
6. Defence in Public
When strangers give judgemental looks or make comments about our child’s behaviour, having you say “he’s doing his best” instead of “sorry, he’s usually better behaved” changes everything.
The second response agrees with the stranger that our child is behaving badly and suggests this is an unusual lapse. The first response defends our child’s inherent worth and sets a boundary with the stranger. We need you in our corner, not joining the chorus of people who think our child just needs better parenting.
7. To Stop Comparing
“His cousin doesn’t act like this” or “your brother never did this” doesn’t help anyone. Every child is different. Every brain is different. Comparison only adds shame, for us and for our child.
Our child is already acutely aware they’re different from their cousins. They notice that their siblings don’t struggle the same way. They don’t need it highlighted. And we don’t need the implication that if we were better parents then our child would be more like their cousin.
Practical Things You Can Do As A Grandparent That Really Help
These aren’t huge asks. They’re small shifts that make a massive difference in whether family gatherings feel supportive or stressful.
1. Adjust Your Expectations
Shorter visits often equal more successful visits. A two-hour gathering where your grandchild feels comfortable is better than a six-hour ordeal where everyone ends up frustrated. Quality matters more than quantity.
Understand that movement is regulation, not misbehaviour. If they’re bouncing while talking to you then they’re probably listening better than if they were forced to sit still. The movement isn’t disrespect, it’s how they regulate their nervous system and focus to engage with you.
They may need to eat and then move around rather than sitting through an entire meal. This isn’t bad manners, it’s working with their brain. Consider letting them eat first then play nearby while adults finish the meal.
Louder, more physical play is how they regulate, not them being destructive. ADHD children often need intense sensory input, jumping, crashing to feel calm and organised. It looks chaotic but it’s simply what they’re body needs.
2. Adapt Your Communication
Give one instruction at a time, wait for completion and then give the next one. Avoid long chains of commands or options that require holding multiple steps in working memory.
Check for understanding. Ask “what did I just ask you to do?” before they walk away. This isn’t questioning their intelligence, it’s accommodating their working memory differences.
Give five-minute warnings before transitions. “Dinner in five minutes” gives their brain time to shift gears. Abrupt transitions are hard for ADHD brains to manage.
Use their name first to get their attention before giving an instruction. “Jake. [Pause.] Please bring me your shoes”. The name cues them to shift attention to you, increasing the chance they’ll actually process what comes next.
3. Create ADHD-Friendly Spaces
Keep a fidget basket at your house - small toys, stress balls, fidget spinners, putty. These aren’t rewards They’re tools that help ADHD brains focus and regulate.
Set clear expectations. “At Grandma’s house, you can jump on this couch but not that one”. Clear boundaries reduce anxiety and decision fatigue.
Provide outdoor space for movement. If possible, incorporate outside time into visits. Twenty minutes of running around makes the next hour inside go much more smoothly.
Create a quiet corner if they need a break. A space with pillows, books or headphones where they can retreat when overwhelmed isn’t “time out”, it’s a regulation tool.
4. Catch Them Being Good
Notice effort, not just outcomes. “I saw you really trying to wait your turn” matters more than “good job waiting your turn” which they may not have actually succeeded at.
Use specific praise. “I noticed you remembered to say thank you” is more meaningful than generic “good boy”. Specific praise helps them understand what they did well and increases the chance they’ll do it again.
Focus on character, not just behaviour. “You’re so creative” or “you’re really thoughtful” or “you notice things other people miss” builds their identity around strengths, not just compliance.
5. Ask the Parents
“What helps when he’s overwhelmed?”: This question is gold. It shows you want to support, not judge.
“What should I avoid saying or doing?”: This gives parents permission to set boundaries without feeling defensive.
“How can I support you?”: Sometimes the best help isn’t focused on the child at all, it’s acknowledging that the parents are doing hard work and asking what they need.
Grandparents - Remember Your Unique Role
You’re not responsible for homework, morning routines, or school struggles. You don’t have to manage the daily routine. You get to be the fun, safe, calm presence in your grandchild’s life.
That’s actually incredibly valuable. Children with ADHD often have fraught relationships with structure and authority because so much of their day involves correction and redirection. You have the opportunity to be the adult who just enjoys them, who makes them feel loved without conditions, who offers a respite from the constant self-improvement project their life can feel like. Writing this as the child that had a grandparent that provided exactly this, I can tell you this relationship is priceless and will never be forgotten. ❤️
Be that person. It’s a gift only you can give.
How to Share This With Your Parents
If you’re planning to share this article or have the conversation with your parents then here’s how to approach it strategically…
Timing Matters
Don’t initiate this conversation during or immediately after a conflict. Everyone’s defences are up, emotions are high and productive dialogue is nearly impossible.
Wait until everyone is calm. A few days after a difficult visit or during a quiet moment when tensions aren’t running high.
Consider sharing this after a particularly difficult visit when the need for change is fresh in everyone’s mind but enough time has passed for emotions to settle.
How to Introduce It
Keep it simple and non-confrontational: “I found an article that explains ADHD better than I can. Would you be willing to read it? I think it might help us understand each other better”.
Or acknowledge the tension directly: “I know we see things differently when it comes to parenting. This article really helped me understand what’s happening with Jamie’s brain, and I’m hoping it might help you too”.
If face-to-face conversation feels too hard, send it via email: “No pressure but if you have ten minutes this week, this article really captures what I wish I could explain better. I’d love to talk about it if you’re open to that”.
Manage Your Expectations
Some grandparents will have lightbulb moments. They’ll read this, something will click and their approach will soften almost immediately. This is the best-case scenario but it’s not guaranteed.
Some will soften gradually. They won’t change overnight but you’ll notice small shifts, a more patient tone, fewer critical comments, occasionally following your lead without argument. This is actually a very positive outcome. Change takes time.
Some won’t change at all. They’ll read it and dismiss it or refuse to read it in the first place. They’ll continue to believe they know better, that you’re making excuses, that ADHD isn’t real or isn’t that serious.
All of these outcomes are valid, and none of them reflect on you as a parent or on your worth as their child. You can control your approach. You can’t control their response.
Protect Your Child First
If grandparents consistently make your child feel “bad”, “wrong” or “less than” then it’s okay to limit contact. Your child’s mental health and sense of self-worth come before maintaining adult relationships, even with your parents.
This doesn’t mean cutting them off at the first critical comment but if the relationship is causing your child significant distress, if they dread visits or if they come home feeling worse about themselves then you have the option to create distance.
You don’t need permission to parent your child the way they need. Not from your parents, not from anyone. Trust yourself.
For Grandparents Reading This
If you’re a grandparent who found this article, whether your adult child sent it to you or you stumbled across it yourself, then first thank you for being here. The fact that you’re reading this shows you care even if you don’t fully understand yet.
Here’s what I want you to know…
Your Grandchild Wants Your Approval Desperately
They know they’re different. They know they’re “harder” than their cousins or siblings. They see the frustration on your face, even when you try to hide it. They hear the comments you make to their parents when you think they’re not listening.
Your acceptance means the world to them. You have the power to be the adult in their life who makes them feel celebrated instead of tolerated, someone who sees their gifts instead of just their struggles. Please consider what a profound gift that would be.
Your Son or Daughter Is Doing Their Best
They’re not making excuses for bad behaviour. They’re not being too soft. They’re not failing as parents. They’re parenting a child with a neurological difference using evidence-based approaches recommended by professionals.
The parenting might look different from what you did. It might feel too permissive, too accommodating or too focused on feelings. But it’s working with their child instead of against them and research consistently shows this approach is more effective for children with ADHD.
Trust them. They know their child better than anyone else in the world.
ADHD Is Real
It’s not a parenting failure. It’s not over-diagnosis. It’s not an excuse for avoiding discipline. Brain imaging shows actual structural and functional differences in ADHD brains. This is as real as dyslexia, diabetes or any other medical condition.
The fact that it wasn’t widely understood when you were raising children doesn’t make it less real now. The fact that discipline worked for your children doesn’t mean it will work for an ADHD brain. Different conditions require different approaches.
What Worked for You Won’t Work Here
This isn’t a judgement on your parenting. You raised your children with the knowledge and tools available at the time and you did your best, however this is a different situation.
Different brain, different approaches. What helped your children might actively harm your grandchild. Accepting that doesn’t mean you failed, it means you’re willing to learn and adapt, which is the mark of wisdom.
You Have a Choice
You can be part of the problem or part of the solution. You can add to the daily stress your adult child faces or you can be a place of safety and support. You can question and criticise or you can learn and help.
Your grandchild will remember how you made them feel. They’ll remember whether Grandma’s house was a place where they could relax and be themselves or whether it was another place where they had to mask and struggle to be “good enough”.
Choose to be the safe place. Choose to be the adult who sees them, celebrates them and makes space for who they are. That choice will shape your relationship for decades to come.
The Bottom Line
This isn’t about taking sides or winning arguments. This is about a child who needs the adults in their life to work together.
Grandparents have wisdom, experience and love to offer. Parents have daily reality, professional guidance and deep knowledge of their child. Both perspectives matter. Both are needed.
But ultimately parents get to decide how their child is parented. Grandparents get to decide whether to support that decision or create friction. One path leads to closer relationships, more family harmony, and a grandchild who feels loved for who they are. The other leads to distance, tension, and a child who learns that love is conditional on being “normal”.
I hope this resource helps bridge the gap in your family. I hope it creates conversation instead of conflict. I hope it helps your parents see your child, really see them, for who they are - ADHD and all.
And if you’re a parent struggling with this, please know that you’re not alone. Thousands of ADHD parents navigate this same tension every single week. Some days it gets easier. Some days it doesn’t. But you’re doing an amazing job advocating for your child.
Your child is lucky to have you in their corner. Keep going.